The day after the first day of summer and here I am still finding little nuances to complain about. I find that blogging can be utilized to express all sorts of life entities. I’ve decided that this blog entry will speak to you about my depression and its state in which it repeatedly finds itself in. Let me begin by saying that yes, you guessed right, I suffer from what I like to call severe depression. I hate making anything about myself. I find my life rather amusing, reason for it is because I have accomplished a lot in short amount of time. You can call it will power or you can name it whatever you want. I call it a miracle because I am still alive. I don’t take myself serious however deep down inside I wish someone can hear me. Let’s begin by me telling you how I felt the morning of June 22nd 2014.
Yesterday was my friend’s birthday, but I thought I forgot it. I’ve woken up hating it but I kept reminding myself that she will be alright. Yesterday I spent the day dreading the summer. I don't like any time of the year to be honest but if I could choose I would probably choose fall. The summer reminds me of all the things I forgot to do during hibernation season (okay, this is where you would probably guess signs of depression… let me continue). I was supposed to be in shape that was the goal. The summer just reminds me of what I needed to do to accomplish it and I didn't. Now here I am most likely about to spent money on a bathing suit that probably won't even look decent on me. But yesterday particularly was a very hard day for me. It was the day after the first day of summer and I probably spend it figuring out what to do with myself. Every day, every day I ask myself why? Why I feel this way, why? Why this had to happen to me? Why? Why what you say? Why was I faced with a traumatic disease in my life, no, not depression, that became worse as the disease in habited my life and most importantly my body. I am speaking about Cushing’s disease, google it, I would have to write another blog entry to explain what it is. The point is it changed me and it changed my life completely. I don't even have money to pay for the bills I was left with after my neurosurgery, I don't have a life anymore in which I feel will allow me to focus on my body or image. I don't know how to be anything else but the way I was and I don't have a stable job. You see work is becoming such a big problem in my life now. I find a job and then I lose it. Is not because I lack any technical skill, it mostly involves finding a place where I belong. I am not sure I deserve to live this way. I see my friends living a life with total disregard of the future or consequences. And I am here stressing out over something I can't change. My life is a total mess, I feel lost and confuse. I feel alone, like no one understands me. I am such a stranger in my own life that I can't seem to know where to go or what to do. Everything is depressing me. I am scared of my own life. I am afraid of the things I say and the things I might do. I wish I had a place to go that can help me but everything requires fucking money. Seriously, everything requires money... money I don't have. I feel that my life is going to end soon. I just don't know how. I am not afraid of dying, but I don’t want to die just yet. Believe it or not, I do have people who love me despite of all I been through personally and despite of how I feel, they still love me. But they’re just as broken as I am, maybe less but broken nonetheless. How do I ask for help when they themselves can’t help me? I know they wish they could, I wish I could help them too.
My life is a mess, understanding in a car crash, I want to change, that’s the first step. I wish I can explain more but in a nutshell I'm feeling depress. I have no control over what happened to me, I feel depress because I’m too weak to change the outcome of it. I’m sorry if you can’t take this serious. I am sorry if you are tired of hearing or reading about someone’s depressive state lack of motivation, seriously, but my words are natural and flow freely every year, always starting on the day after the first day of summer. I’m Victorious Monsterpiece, please feel free to comment as you please.
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